I've been thinking a lot about the word freedom this week and what it means for parents and what it means for kids.
As a parent, freedom might be choosing when to wake up for the day rather than having a young child determine when you've gotten enough rest.
Or freedom might be the flexibility to come and go as you please without having to jump through hoops to find child care when you want to exercise or go out to dinner with friends.
Sometimes, being a parent might feel like a straitjacket experience...the opposite of freedom.
You might even yearn for the days when those freedoms I just mentioned were so abundant in your life that you probably took them for granted.
Well here's the good news.
You can create more freedom in your life as a parent even though it might look different than your carefree life before kids.
And the other good news...creating a freedom filled environment for the mama will allow your kids to experience more independence and ultimately, more freedom too.
It's a win win.
• FREEDOM TIP 1: There is no good mom manual. And if there was one, it would tell you to STOP DOING EVERYTHING. It is called motherhood not martyr-hood.
• FREEDOM TIP 2: When you do everything for your kids, it creates disrespect, resentment and ultimately disconnection for all involved. Seriously, STOP IT.
• FREEDOM TIP 3: Control your environment not your kids. Routines, structure, rules and rituals will proactively help your household to feel familiar and safe for your kids. They will thrive and your relationship will feel freedom from tension and power struggles.
Finding freedom in ways beyond waking to the tune of your natural alarm clock is totally possible as a mom. Here are a few suggestions to get the ball rolling:
• Sick of bedtime taking FOREVER and sending kids to bed with threats and tears? Establish a strict bedtime mullet ritual...the child handles the bedtime biz up front and you show up for the snuggle/book party on the backend. Ending your day with a battle feels imprisoning. The mullet ritual will feel like freedom! Please reach out if you need help with systems and enforcement
• Does your kid have lolly-gagger in the morning syndrome? Feeling like you might bang your head against a brick wall if you have to ask someone to put his damn shoes on AGAIN? A defined morning routine gets everyone on the same team and working together and will put an end to morning power struggles. It will feel like a sense of freedom in your bodies. Please reach out if you need help with systems and enforcement
There is a new way to raise kids that feels like freedom for the whole family.
Most of us were raised "old style".
I love anything retro or vintage...however, when it comes to parenting, there is no comparison. The new parenting paradigm is way better than kickin' it old school.
No need for controlling fear tactics.
Conscious parents aren't permissive or passive either.
Kids are reasonable, kind, respectful.
AND kids are allowed to have their own opinions and disagree with their parents.
It takes a minute to learn the new parenting methods even though they are totally logical in my book.
Interested in learning more about this crazy talk...click here and check this out.
This is evolution...each generation raising kids a little better than the one before. A family team. Rich Connection. Independence. Personal space. Freedom.
How do you get your kids to be friends 20 years from now?
Isn't that the million dollar question that most inquiring mama minds wanna know?
So... how DO we accomplish getting our kids to not only love but to actually LIKE one another?
You know you can figure this out. After all, you're sort of a natural at this motherhood thing.
Okay, it may not have totally looked that way at the beginning with "breastfeeding gate" and all but now things have mostly fallen into place.
You have the basic mama recipe down - you're intuitive, loving and supportive.
You don’t play favorites.
Each of your kids gets PLENTY of attention from you.
And yet they seem to show their worst side to the one other person you love just as much as you love each of them…their sibling.
When you see or hear your kids fighting and behaving jerky towards each other, your blood begins to boil.
It can be hard to think straight during those moments.
You ask yourself if it’s something you’re doing wrong?
What gives regarding the constant competition between your kids for even more of your attention?
When all you really want is for them to be besties, play together and give you a thirty minute reprieve from being Julie the cruise director?
Remember how your mom used to lock the front door, kicking you and your brother outside with strict instructions not to return until dinner time?
Or what about dropping you off at the local pool and simply stating, "Stick together".
Pick up would happen 7 hours later as you struggled to open the car door with your pruney fingertips.
As present and engaged hands on mamas, have we accidentally attempted to fix a recipe that wasn’t broken?
Or is the sibling bond breakdown an unwelcome byproduct of being such good modern day parents?
The sibling bond can be one of the richest and most special relationships you have in your lifetime – you literally share experiences, genes and history that can’t be recreated with anyone else.
After all, childhood is when your subconscious, your brain’s future operating system, is programmed and it is the most impactful stage of development for humans.
Childhood can literally set the tone for the rest of your life.
And only a brother or a sister can fully relate to what it was actually like growing up in YOUR family.
Those of us with close sibling bonds know what a big deal it is and we want THAT for our kids too.
Those of us that did not have it - either because of an age gap or being an only child, felt left out.
We envied other families with built in playmates.
The houses where life seemed like a never-ending game of hide and go seek.
We want THAT for our kids.
Like those drug commercials with the unfortunate side effects including abdominal bloating, severe seizures, explosive diarrhea and suicidal thoughts...
Could an accidental side effect of your hands on and super attentive parenting be a competitive and disconnected relationship between your kids?
My Cory loves listening to the side effects on those drug commercials. He won't let me fast forward until we've heard something referring to diarrhea.
Frankly, they do remind me of old SNL skits - where you weren't sure whether it was a real or fake advertisement until halfway through it.
As usual, I digress...squirrel.
Back to the sibling stuff.
Here are some steps to strengthen the relationship between your kids:
1. Awareness. Admit that your kids aren’t as close as you’d hoped. Awareness is the first and biggest step to changing a problem.
2. Stop being such a “good” mom and kick it old school. I once heard Dr. Shefali, one of my conscious parenting teachers, say, “Love them a little less.” My interpretation of that comment is to bring a little retro back into motherhood. Moms are the nucleus of the family and kids want to be with the mama more than anyone else. Making ourselves a little less available will allow the sibling bond to grow stronger.
3. Let them figure it out when possible and ignore the small stuff rather than blowing it out of proportion. As soon as mom gets involved it becomes about “getting in trouble” and this can drive the wedge further between them.
4. Pick your battles in terms of intervening and reserve your mama mediation techniques for only the biggies. I teach some great sibling resolution strategies for those times when you have to pull out the big guns.
Here’s how you can start taking baby action steps to help your kids become lifelong friends:
What equates in this day and age to locking the front door until dinner?
Hire a sweet 12 or 13-year old neighbor as a mommy's helper to play with the kids outside on some afternoons and/or weekends
Assign kid chores and responsibilities to be accomplished together like yard work, playroom organization and after dinner kitchen cleaning duty
When your oldest begins driving, establish the expectation that as a member of your family team. he will be shuttling younger siblings to and fro activities
Did this post resonate with you? I wanna hear more – reply to this email and tell me what pushes your buttons about the sibling stuff or what else makes your blood sort of boil?
I’m Randi Rubenstein and I help YOU to be the parent you always swore you’d be without resorting to blaming, bribing or yelling to raise amazing kiddos. Download my gift to you to get started today responding calmly and clearly when your kids are pushing your buttons. Click here for your free PDF to stop yelling and parenting with fear tactics.
Emotional intelligence is a term that started popping up in the mid 90's.
EQ is about managing your emotions compared to IQ which is referring to intellect.
I'm gonna just level with y'all...emotional management is really about not being an assh%le.
And teaching our kids not to be assh%les.
Again, I'm gonna just say it - we all pretty much have each other's numbers.
When you behave like a selfish assh%le, don't fool yourself.
This is why we get the barfy feeling when we see that "perfect" FB pic of THAT kid.
You know the one - that little sassafras with the attitude and the pink bow.
The stories abound about that child's mean girl behavior and she's only in 2nd grade.
Uhhhh, ya - something doesn't pass the smell test.
My hunch would be that the perfect Facebook pic poster is a closet yelling mama.
When we find ourselves in the Parent Gap and screaming at our kids, our EQs are pretty much at rock bottom.
It's stressful for a mama to live up to the perfect image.
Here is my remedy if this is you:
Seriously, stop it.
No one likes fake perfect you.
Be real. Look in the mirror. Work on your unfinished business still lurking in the shadows.
This is how we become more emotionally intelligent.
I know it doesn't sound fun.
No one willingly signs up for this work.
It takes a trailblazer willing to spend time and energy getting really honest and working hard to have a super life.
One of my Mama tribe mamas told me recently that a "perfect" mom in carpool line said, "Why do you work with Randi?!? I mean, don't you know what to do?"
Ya, that lady's poor kids...she's for sure screaming her head off at them night and day when no one's looking.
Everyone has each other's numbers.
Our kid's triggering behavior is a hot track to our own unfinished business.
They are literally like little treasure maps to our own emotional freedom.
It's worth it to work on yourself.
When you do, it directly affects your kids.
Their behavior will eventually reflect your unfinished biz so you might as well get to it.
You can run but you can't hide.
This is why patterns repeat in families - even when we think we are doing things the opposite way of our parents.
I teach you how to retrain your brain to replace those outdated patterns.
Kids raised in emotionally intelligent families are part of the solution...not the problem
Kids that have high EQs are upset by injustice even when it doesn't involve them.
They don't like it when teachers yell.
They don't like it when kids bully other kids.
They are loyal and loving friends.
They are team players.
They are graceful winners and losers on the sport's field.
They value kindness in others and show up kindly and compassionately in the world.
Experts say that high EQ is the biggest determinant in relationship, career and life success rather than high IQ.
EQ can be acquired and improved by learning skills that basically foster being kind, empathetic, self aware and able to regulate your negative emotions.
EQ is not taught typically in traditional schools.
It should be.
We can teach it in our homes.
When enough of us do, the schools will catch on.
The NEW parenting methods are all about strengthening your family's EQ.
Most of us were not raised in emotionally intelligent homes.
It was a different time.
It takes a minute to learn the new way.
Raising kids with high emotional intelligence is a constant practice AND will make the world a better place.
It will also set your kids on a path for health, happiness and a life that feels fulfilling.
EQ may seem intangible compared to IQ AND I invite you to really consider what you want for your kids...
Personally, I want a life where my kids aren't behaving like and surrounded by a bunch of assh%les.
To check check check out the Carpool Convo about this topic on FB Live, click here.
Parent/Client: I feel guilty that my favorite time of day is when I put my kids to bed at night. Does this make me a terrible person?
Me: You love them to pieces. Is it that you want the ordinary moments as a family to feel extraordinary?
Parent: Yes. Exactly. And yet THAT feels impossible. If only I could ditch my smart phone and limit the distractions in my life, then maybe I would be able to relax and enjoy regular ordinary moments with my kids.
Me: Why is this important to you?
Parent: Every time I’m around a really close family, there are a million inside jokes about ordinary moments. I want that family. I know that the ordinary moments turn into extraordinary memories.
Me: Did you come from one of those families?
Parent: No and I’ve always been so envious of people that have those families. I want that even though their posts on FB make me want to barf.
I’m realizing that I have no idea how to be that mom. It feels overwhelming and weirdly I feel like I’m failing because I don’t know how to just BE with my kids.
Me: We will reprogram your brain so you are able to just BE with your kids. You WILL have the close knit connected family that enjoys ordinary moments together and you won't be bored outta your mind.
I will help you and your kids enjoy each other more so you can celebrate the ordinary moments.
The parent in the scenario above gets it more than she realizes.
It is the ordinary moments in a family that create extraordinary memories.
I work with parents that are truth seekers. Action takers. Heroes that are ready to learn how to own their journey.
I don't invest myself in blamers, victims or excuse makers.
Families are experiencing profound transformations.
I am in love with the parents I work with. All I have ever wanted is to be surrounded by action taking badassery.
I experience that on the daily. Parents are digging in and changing stubborn patterns that keep accidentally being passed down the family tree.
I teach parenting strategies that cut the tension in your home and help your kids to be more enjoyable.
This is an important part of the ordinary-extraordinary moment making equation.
It's hard to enjoy ordinary moments when you're constantly battling with your kids and everything feels like a power struggle.
When parents learn how to treat the ordinary everyday moments as extraordinary events, it sends your kids the message that they are worthy of your time, attention and love for simply BEING.
No blue ribbon prerequisite needed for a kid to hang out and be enjoyed by her mama.
I dare you to argue with the importance of that message.
P.S. If you want support turning ordinary moments into extraordinary memories, I have just the program for you. Conscious Parent Mastery (Course 1) opens soon. Reply to this email and I will be in touch about it.
Star Wars, The Lion King, pretty much all stories considered “Disney”…what do these movies have in common?
They are all based on The Hero’s Journey theory by author and philosopher, Joseph Campbell.
The Hero’s Journey framework is comprised of 3 parts:
1. The Call: the hero gets “the call” to go on an adventure because of a crisis or a challenge in her life.
2. The Road of Trials: She heads down the road and there are many obstacles or dragons to slay.
3. The Return Home: She returns home transformed and ready to impart her wisdom on others and live a more meaningful life.
I think it’s super fun and empowering to see yourself as the hero of your own exciting journey and to see your life as a great adventure.
Maybe you just got the call to adventure?
Maybe the call came in the form of your son’s dyslexia or your daughter’s frequent meltdowns?
You know that something needs to change and you’re searching for remedies and solutions down your road of trials.
The sequence of the steps in the Hero’s Journey theory are so accurate when I apply them to my own life and the parents I work with.
¾ of the way down the road of trials, the biggest dragon possible appears and you believe that you are going to die trying to slay that monster.
Like literally, no matter that you have already slayed 3 other scary dragons along the road, you convince yourself they were nothing compared to this scary snarling fanged beast before you.
You think you can’t do it and that you will surely suffer a tragic death at the hands of this final dragon.
You wish that you could return home and forget that you ever received this conscious parenting call to adventure.
In the Lion King, when Simba gets the courage to go home to fight his uncle Scar and retake the throne, he faces the scariest battle yet.
One of them is getting thrown off the cliff and Simba could die.
The life or death scene on this call of adventure is just a cartoon in the Lion King example.
And in our own lives, when it comes to our kids, it’s easy to try and minimize his lack of athleticism or her problem fitting in as trivial issues as if it’s just a cartoon in the big scheme of life.
However, your mind continues to ruminate over these issues night after night and your body is worn out and sleep deprived.
It’s affecting how you are interacting with your child and you notice her self confidence is plummeting.
Or your son seems so angry. Everything you say is all wrong in his eyes and you’re just trying to help.
Your kid’s obstacles represent scary dragons down your road of trials.
Find your Yoda. Tap into your strength. Arm yourself with resources that will support your victory.
I believe that parenting is our road of trials and each and every conscious parent is a true hero on their family’s journey.
The dragons are the key puzzle pieces of your life. Figuring out the lessons behind each dragon piece is how the magical vision of your life is able to come into focus.
Learn new stuff that will help you slay the dragons.
Change destructive familial patterns.
Improve the relationships in your family.
Find the magical elixir and return home transformed and ready to share your wisdom.
I’m writing to you today to discuss something many of us have worried about. This worry is not something we typically cop to. Chances are, you may be unaware that this worry keeps you up at night as your mind replays all the mistakes you made that day with your kids. We don’t talk about this at play group or while coffee-ing or taking a walk with our mom friends. Instead, the convos are often about our baby’s milestones, the latest breaking news/gossip and surface chit chat.
Before you know it, the years have flown by and your babies have turned into toddlers, active kids and will soon be teenagers. And now it just feels sorta awkward to change the conversation to start talkin’ about real stuff with your mama friends.
These days you find yourself with an extremely busy life – possibly working part time (I say part time b/c as we moms know, being a mom is a big job so any “real” job comes second when your kid is barfing), driving carpool, volunteering, schlepping kids to after school activities, stressing about what to feed everyone for dinner or justifying why you have no time to think about it, trying to fit in time for exercise, and possibly losing that 10 lbs that you think is the real reason why happiness eludes you. This is all happening while fielding friend texts, commenting on social media postings and maintaining your social currency with a never ending calendar of coffee, lunch and Saturday night couple’s dates.
No wonder you’re mentally and physically exhausted. And adding to that mental exhaustion is the underlying worry about getting it right when it comes to raising your kids. You’re a strong woman, a feminist. Strong women raise great kids, right?!? We raise kids with good manners while looking cute in our FB pics who grow into winners on the sport’s field and in the classroom, right?!?
Wrong. The pressure to uphold this strong woman/super mom image while making it look effortless is freaking exhausting. And if you are that self deprecating super mom that pretends you have opted out…using lots of jokes about your kids being on some therapist’s couch 20 years from now…uhhhh, ya, I hate to break it but we’re onto you. Don’t pretend you aren’t worried about the same thing we are. Enough with the jokes.
You love your kids so much it hurts your heart to consider that all the mistakes you are making in raising them - yelling, constantly being on your phone, constantly letting them be on a device and feeling like you are on opposing teams leaves you awake at night unable to shut off your brain and actually get some much needed rest…so you can do it all again tomorrow. The thought that you are getting this mom thing wrong and your kids might suffer and possibly resent you in the future is just too much to think about.
So you busy yourself with social plans, over eating, drinking, over working, over social network scrolling, over committing, prescription drugging, gossiping, shopping and other forms of escapism as an attempt not to think about screwing up raising your kids. You probably feel guilty for these behaviors and haven’t connected the dots between worrying that you aren’t making the most out of these years and numbing out not to think about it.
But it’s there. Lurking just below the surface.
Wouldn’t it be easier if it went away? Like went away for real?
Most parents will continue to live with this reality and ultimately, their kids will rebel, disconnect and the family team will never be realized.
Those families will suffer greatly.
This makes me incredibly sad for them. Especially for the kids.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You can change this reality beginning today.
The remedy involves baby steps. All you have to think about is the next best step forward.
I help parents build your family dream team without using threats, blame, bribes or name calling to motivate your kiddos.
Who ever heard of name calling being an effective motivator anyway?
This new way of raising really emotionally healthy people is not for everyone (unfortunately)…only TRULY strong women need apply for the job.
Strong women own their mistakes and learn from them.
Strong women apologize.
Strong women have hard convos.
Strong women learn stuff to help improve their lives and families.
Strong women release the frenemies and surround themselves with folks that feel good.
A strong woman does whatever she needs to do to be the best parent SHE can be for her kids rather than blaming her co-parent for all he's doing wrong.
STRONG WOMEN TAKE ACTION.
If you are a strong woman and you are ready to have the family you’ve always wanted, I have a phenomenal job training program for you.
As a first baby step, I created a workbook with a free training call to help correct some of the biggest parenting mistakes I’ve seen. Read it. Learn some new stuff.
Take action to raise your kids in the way your heart desires.
As a truly strong woman, begin today.
Being a mom is the hardest and most important job you’ll ever have. Accept my gift to help you win at raising your amazing kiddos. Click here as your first baby step and to finally get a decent night’s rest. You deserve it.
I want to share a quote by author and poet, Oscar Wilde, in honor of my Cory's 11th bday:
Like Cory, you probably share a bday with millions of other people.
However you are the only YOU.
YOU are a true original recipe.
Maybe like me, you have felt frustrated at times with people that seem like they want to copy something that you feel is yours...an idea, a saying, a mannerism, the way you dress, the content you teach, etc.
The truth is that when someone seems like they are trying to rip off your identity, remember that:
You’re on to somethin’! It serves as validation that something you have shared with the world is really great or “theft-worthy”.
There is a reason we are identified by our fingerprints. Anyone trying to emulate you will always be considered an imposter. Period.
Posers are exposed eventually and lose credibility in an instant. Karma may take her time but she always comes through in the end.
Sharing your true self with others is brave, builds confidence and attracts the right people into your life.
Focusing on who you were born to be feels really good inside – like you are coming home to yourself.
One of my favorite things about the work I do with parents is piecing the puzzle of your life together.
I see everyone’s life as a Hero’s Journey as the great philosopher, Joseph Campbell, describes. I plan to tell you more about this in an upcoming blog post.
The gist is that you are the (s)hero in your story and your life is a great adventure - rich with tests and trials.
Everything you've endured has been part of the process in the making of the YOU masterpiece.
Seeing your life as a great adventure speaks to you on a primal level - as humans we are wired for story and it’s truly the way we are meant to learn.
By nature, I am fascinated by people and love learning about the real person behind the social media posts.
Engaging in real conversation with other parents, often leaves me feeling like a kid who has to wait until tomorrow night to hear the next chapter in the story of your life.
I could stay up until 2 a.m. reading under the covers with a flashlight learning about you.
This is why I encourage my clients to take the Kolbe Index A assessment - it is like a window into your brain.
It is a quick and easy online assessment. I have no affiliation at this time with the company.
Scott and I, as well as Alec and Avery, have taken the test - Cory is still a bit young I think.
Personally, I refer to my family’s Kolbe test results daily and it has helped us become a really amazing team.
I'm a high fact finder and higher quick start. I love doing research and welcome taking risks. Scott is a high fact finder and a high follow through. This is why he researches like a mo fo and makes sh!t happen.
I think knowing our Kolbe results has truly helped strengthen our marriage as well as help us support our teenagers to understand their brains and achieve their goals.
As a fun way to share the benefits of how the Kolbe has impacted my life, I want to pay it forward to you guys.
I am offering a 30-minute free session discussing and assessing YOU and the way you are born to be - to the first 5 people that take the Kolbe A and email me your results with the message, “I wanna discuss”.
Send your results and don’t forget the subject line, “I wanna discuss” to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will send you a link to my calendar.
This morning, my husband and I went to an early morning yoga class before our kids were awake.
This is a new thing for us.
I love yoga. I love being with Scott. It feels a little bit like a dream come true way to start my day.
Scott resisted starting yoga.
In fact, he put it off for a whole year.
At the end of 2015, he told me he would begin yoga in 2017.
I asked, “What’s wrong with 2016?”
He replied, “Uhhhh ya – I think I will wait a year to start.”
A few weeks ago, I urged my yoga resistant hubba hubba to sign up for the 40 Days of yoga program at my favorite studio, Big Yoga in Houston.
He is now halfway through his six-week deep dive into yoga.
This morning, Jenny, our yoga teacher referenced a scene from Harry Potter.
I am probably 1 out of only 2 people that hasn’t read or watched anything Potter related so I did not expect to find her reference relevant to my life.
Evidently, there was a scene where the characters were entrapped by some scary vines.
The more the characters resisted and fought to break free, the tighter a hold the vines had on them.
Eventually the characters learned that they had to stop struggling to become free from the deadly vine’s hold.
The metaphor was about relaxing to find strength rather than resisting when facing a challenge.
She used this metaphor to teach how to handle the resistance you might feel during certain yoga poses.
Jenny taught us to breathe and calmly lean into the discomfort rather than making it more intense by telling ourselves how hard it is.
Scott resisted signing up for yoga for a year.
Over the last year, it has been hard at times to spend as much time together as we used to.
My schedule has become busy in a different way than it used to be when the kids were little.
Sometimes I can sense that Scott wants me to watch a mindless show with him in the evening as I catch up on emails and busy work.
I encouraged him to come to yoga with me as a great way to exercise and spend time together.
He didn’t wanna.
He wanted things to be the way they used to be involving lots of T.V. binge bonding…also super fun I gotta say.
I doubt he would admit this but I felt his resistance to embracing our new normal most evenings.
I felt a little tension between us.
However, just like magic, 3-weeks into his yoga journey and the air feels clear.
We spend more time coordinating and going to classes together.
We began today with a 6:15am yoga and coffee date.
We are having fun.
He stopped resisting and positive movement is happening.
What persists in YOUR life that you would like to change?
For many of the parents I work with, it’s challenging kids that behave like little entitled dictators.
These parents sometimes feel like they are walking on eggshells in their own homes – moments away from a meltdown.
“What you resist…persists.”
The resistance shows up as being unwilling to look deeper at the roots of your little Napolean’s behavior.
Is it mama guilt that prevents you from assertively putting your foot down the second the demands begin to fly out of your kid's mouth?
As long as you avoid looking at the real reason you feel guilty and fixing that, the dictatorial demands will persist.
Lean in. Surrender the struggle. Breathe. Relax. And let the magic happen.
If this sounds like hocus pocus to you, the magical life you want will remain out of arm’s reach.
I want a magical life for you because like me, you really deserve it. Take action and make it happen.
Reach out to learn about Conscious Parent Mastery. It’s a magical program.
Story Fondler: Repeatedly talking or thinking about a problematic situation in your life - possibly for years and years.
Eventually this becomes your defining "struggle story" and it serves as hours of entertainment...similar to a toddler fondling one of those mesmerizing discovery toys.
Do you frequently have negative thoughts about your kids, other people's kids, parenting...humanity?
Life is too short.
Your kids are growing quickly.
This time is too precious to waste one more second fondling a struggle story involving the people you love the most.
You deserve more. Your kids deserve more.
Whether your struggle story is about your "challenging" kid that constantly zaps your energy.
Or maybe it's your tension filled marriage because you and your spouse can't seem to get on the same page when it comes to raising your kids.
Or maybe it's a home filled with more yelling than you care to admit and you feel crazy guilty.
If you are ready to replace the struggle story with your family dream, it is time to put your moola where your mouth is.
Enrollment in the parenting program that will help you accomplish that dream, Conscious Parent Mastery, is closing in 2 days.
2 DAYS, PEOPLE!
Class begins January 19th. The enrollment form has a money back guarantee because I deliver for my people.
It is not a typical boring parenting program. I invest in you 100% when you invest in YOURSELF.
This program is not for the lifelong story fondlers.
This program is for the life livers; the action takers.
Families are being transformed - THIS is the most important thing you could do for yourself and your kids.
I don't take this lightly - this is important. This is about your kids.
If you are ready, click here and scroll to the bottom to enroll. The cost is per couple and you WILL get HUGE results in 6 weeks.
6 MEASLY WEEKS!
Come to class - the rules are...there aint no rules!
You can chew gum, bring contraband, whatever floats your boat. Besides, most of it happens virtually so knock yourself out while you listen and learn from the comfort of your own bed (like I do most of time.)
Stop talking and talking and talking. It's time to DO!
P.S. Here is the link to enroll in Conscious Parent Mastery and check out the FB Live from last Friday if you want to here the carpool convo all about it.
2017...UGH...I mean, YAY!
My kids will turn 19, 16 and 11 in 2017.
Even though I love many elements of this stage of family life, there is always a part of me that wants them to be 7, 4 and fresh outta the oven.
Last night I got a little teary while watching a funny sitcom, The Goldbergs, with my family.
I tried to hide my surprise attack of tears by thinking about EVERYTHING else.
It was the Hanukkah episode and there was a moment between Beverly, the mom and her teen daughter at the end of the episode.
Beverly decided to be honest and admit how much she missed the days when her little girl just wanted to dress up and perform for her mama.
Erica, the surly but good hearted teen daughter, empathized with her mom. They had a heartfelt moment quietly remembering back on the childhood magic of yesterday that the two of them shared.
You could sense the beautiful memories between both mother and daughter in that quick scene on the show.
Right now, you may feel far away from being a parent of a teen child.
I know some of you might feel mired down in the not so beautiful moments with your kiddos in your current reality.
Trust me, I have those not so great moments too.
As I try to embrace the next year involving 19, 16, and 11, I invite you to join me as we work together to make 2017 the best memory making year yet.
If your home is filled with tension, harsh words and loneliness, this is your year to kick that less than awesome vibe to the curb.
It may be time to transform your household.
It can be hard to face a difficult reality and get honest with yourself.
The truth is - you and your kids DESERVE a happier home environment and need it to do all the magnificent things you are meant to do in this life.
Next, it’s all about the plan and taking baby action steps to improve things.
I’ve got your back - Read my stuff. Connect with me on Facebook. Listen to my free resources. I’ve created “not boring parenting courses” (Say what?!? Does such a thing even exist?)
Enroll if you feel called to do so.
We all have areas in our lives where we want to improve.
Personally, I’m always a student in a coaching program.
The more I learn, the more I have a desire to experience even bigger results in my life.
Expanding your mind does that.
Welcoming your natural curiosity allows dreaming, manifesting and ultimately an even better life to present itself.
What baby action steps will you take this week to lead your family down the yellow brick road of happiness into 2017?
And like Dorothy always reminded us, “There’s no place like home.”
Let’s do everything possible to fill that home with positive, loving, hilarious and warm memories in the coming year.
I was watching The Hunger Games with Cory, my 10 yr. old son, the other evening.
He finished the book a while ago and has been hawking us to rent the movie.
We kept hoping to tape it on regular T.V. rather than spring for the $4 Itunes rental.
Needless to say, his anticipation had been mounting.
He was excited to see the characters in his head on screen.
As he commented on each character aloud, I got stuck on the adjective he used to describe Gale, Katniss Everdeen’s best friend and hunting partner, played by Liam Hemsworth.
He said, “Oh Gale is cute”.
This prompted an interesting convo between the two of us.
Randi: “Have you ever considered whether you would marry a boy or a girl?”
Cory: “That’s a weird question to ask me.”
Randi: “Why is it weird? Some boys marry boys and some girls marry girls."
Cory: “Ya I know that. Remember we have Wawa & JJ and Kaka & Jen in our family.”
Randi: “I was just curious if you have an idea of who you will want to kiss one day.”
Cory: “Uhhhh, GIRLS…of course!”
Randi: “Why OF COURSE?”
Cory: “Because girls are beautiful and hott.”
The “hott” adjective triggered a whole new thought in my mind.
I don’t want my baby to become a teenager but I will save that topic for another day.
I share this story with y’all because I think it’s interesting that a simple thing like saying, a boy is cute by my son, triggered a little bit of panic within me and caused me to bring a mature topic to his attention prematurely.
You see, I consider myself very comfortable with “the gay” factor.
Both my brother and sister are gay.
My children have been raised to not only have awareness, tolerance and acceptance for all types of loving partnerships…it is familiar and normal to them.
My family is very close and both my brother and sister and their spouses are super involved in my kid’s lives.
I love my sibs exactly as they are and would never wish them to be different.
So why was it triggering for me when Cory called a boy cute?
He probably just used the wrong adjective or maybe he was simply noticing that the character on screen was better looking than the one he imagined when he read the book.
I notice other women’s beauty all the time and I’m heterosexual.
I know it would not make an ounce of difference whether my kids are gay or straight in terms of my love for them.
I know I am fully supportive of their entire beings.
I believe that most parents feel the exact same way about their kids even though most of us wouldn’t choose for our kids to be gay.
However, my triggered response makes me inquire and look within in regard to this issue.
I think that many of us worry about the pain, suffering and disappointment our children may be subjected to - if they are “different” than the norm.
The thought of the people we love the most, enduring future pain at the hands of others can cause great anxiety in parents.
And this fear of perceived future pain affects our behavior towards our kids.
My behavior played out by bringing up a subject matter that is too mature for my 10-year old son.
He flat out told me it was weird – code for, “What the f%&k are you talking about” and still I chose to proceed.
The real pain for our kids usually occurs because of our actions rather than at the hands of others.
How often does a mom police the food intake of her overweight daughter, causing her to feel weak and flawed?
That mom is fearful that others will make fun of her daughter or that her girl will suffer as a result of a larger body size than some of her friends.
How often does a dad use harsh words towards his little boy that would rather play video games and draw than play baseball?
That dad knows that athleticism holds loads of social currency in “boy world” and he wants his son to grow up feeling confident and happy.
Even sharing this story about the Cor makes me feel nervous that some of you might jump to conclusions about him and he could suffer from untrue gossip.
I feel like I need to provide evidence of all his “macho” qualities because the truth is, I am 99.9% sure he is all hetero.
Okay – I guess I just did and I will spare you the specific details and evidence of all the ways Cory is most likely not gay.
I’m human. I worry about my kids just like you worry about yours.
Our world is changing…evolving.
Boys can play baseball, draw AND love taking baths with yummy smelling fizzy bath balms.
Girls can run fast, enjoy fashion & make-up, excel at math & science and expel disgusting smells from their bodies equivalent to their brothers…unfortunately.
And Mamas can raise our kiddos, the next generation, to have a non-stereotypical definition of “N-O-R-M-A-L”.
I often hear a common theme with parents:
"It seems like everyone else has their sh!t together while I'm in survival mode trying to make it from breakfast to bedtime in one piece."
This week I spoke to a group of parents of young kids. They shared a few challenging scenarios and we had fun problem solving together.
I thought it might be helpful to share a little bit from our discussion in an effort to show that most of us are having a similar experience even if no one is posting about it on social media.
Even if you are far past the little kid era, you might enjoy reminiscing about the good ol' days of diapers and meltdowns before hormones and homework took center stage.
Or maybe you have a friend or relative entrenched in the whirlwind of parenting a toddler that you could share this info.?
Here was the dilemma of one of of the moms at my talk:
Mom participant: My 4-year old son loves playing with his Legos and when I suggest another activity like building a puzzle together, he refuses. He insists on doing only what he wants to do. How do I get him to be more flexible?
Randi: Why do you want him to build a puzzle instead of playing Legos?
Little kids learn through creative and imaginative play. Your son is doing EXACTLY what he supposed to be doing. He is learning and using the most brilliant part of his brain by creating his own little Lego world. He resists shifting gears because a structured activity like putting a traditional puzzle together probably feels stifling to him. He is making his own original Lego "puzzle" masterpiece. Why would you ask him to take a step back and shift gears? He sounds confident, clear and knows what his 4-year-old brain needs right now to grow.
This mom seems like a very engaged mom. For God sakes she sits and plays Legos with her little boy?!?
She kept attempting to interrupt her son's 4-year-old playtime because she was concerned that he needed more variety so he could be a well rounded Pre-k student.
And as we all know, a well rounded Pre-k student becomes a well rounded kindergartner, 5th grader, 8th grader, 12th grader and then watch out...
Woohoo, impressive college acceptance...FINALLY some tangible evidence that you succeeded at the job of parenting!
How often do we accidentally pressure our kids because of our "good parent" agendas?
Good parents teach their kids the alphabet before kindergarten (2 out of my 3 kids didn't have this down - please don't ask me to name which 2)
Good parents teach their kids how to read at an early age; how to write; how to hold a pencil properly; how to build puzzles
Good parents teach their kids to ride bikes, swim; how to play sports; how to fit in socially
Good parents teach their kids how to BE WINNERS IN LIFE?!?!
Jeez, People - this is too much pressure on us and our kids. Can we make a pact in our little parent tribe to just lay off and let them play with Legos?
Personally, I feel pretty solid and I can't stand building puzzles.
Some of us are "out of the box" thinkers.
Some of us are traditional puzzle builders...Scott, "baby daddy" Rubenstein loves a good 1000 piecer.
There's room for all of us and frankly, we need each other to balance our home teams.
Want to hear and learn more about topics like this?
Were you ready yesterday to create the family you crave? Check out my Conscious Parent Mastery 5 Week Course. It begins in January and I'm offering a great savings if you enroll now: Click to get the deets!
“…if we want to be free, we have to let every body be free. I hate and resent this so much. It means we have to let the people in our families and galaxies be free to be asshats, if that is how they choose to live. This however, does not mean we have to have lunch with them. Or go on vacation with them again. But we do have to let them be free.” ~Anne Lamott
I was just sent this quote by a colleague and, it feels relevant in the aftermath of the election so I’m sharing it with y’all.
My intention today is about how the hell we explain this political sh!t show to our kids?
Let me clarify – how do we discuss the fact that “THE DONALD” is THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?!?
And how do we talk about this mind blowing result with our kids minus the whiny or blamey voice taking center stage.
I love the quote, “What you focus on…grows”.
If our inner whiner or blamer comes online in the midst of this conversation, we are inviting more whiners and blamers into our day.
Logically resulting in the outcomes that whiners and blamers typically get.
Those results involve frustration, negativity, surrounding yourself with victim energy and ultimately, an exhausting existence.
F&%k that noise! I’m here to have way more fun than that in this precious life.
I like Anne Lamott’s quote above because it’s really about defining personal boundaries and respecting other people’s differing opinions.
Choosing to stay in our own lane and surrounding ourselves with positive people and experiences strengthens us.
Because right now, many of us need strength to stay positive and hopeful to keep fighting for the future we want for ourselves, our kids and our country.
Many people in this country have spoken and they have a differing opinion from mine and possibly yours.
These people, we will call them STRUMPS, secret Trump Voters (sibling privilege to use my brother’s material b/c he came up with STRUMPS…genius).
Many of us feel blind sighted and now amidst our disappointment, heartbreak and anxiety about our future, we remember we are parents and have to find the right words to explain this outcome to our kids.
The same kids we have been teaching about equality and fairness and that bullies never prevail.
This is the convo I had with my kiddos in case you are looking for some inspiration:
We have our work cut out for us as change agents who are meant to spread kindness and equality. This is the reality right now in our country…”whitelash” is apparently very real. However, 10 years ago no one would have thought gay marriage would pass. What we focus on grows…we will handle this defeat with grace and integrity while keeping our heads down to fight for social justice and being a part of a different solution.”
This is how we strengthen ourselves, our platform and our 1/3 tribe.
We keep our heads down and get busy strengthening our tribe by focusing on the country we are ready to inhabit while also realizing that we are the trailblazers and have our work cut out for us.
Many other folks in our country are just not “there” yet as the election revealed.
We have more work ahead than we may have realized.
And like the gay marriage deniers have learned…social justice is real and people like US don’t sit back whining and blaming for long.
Because once we dust ourselves off, we will come back stronger than ever and prevail over the STRUMPS.
And in the words of my 15-year old daughter, “Mom, Americans didn’t fail us. Hillary won the popular vote by 200,000.”
As parents, we continue to talk about white privilege and “whitelash” and showing up in our lives spreading kindness and a belief in humanity.
This begins in our homes by strengthening our families from a place of kindness, love and connection.
We are raising the next generation.
Step into your power daily by being the loving and supportive parent you always swore you would be.
I'm guessing that vision didn't involve losing your temper and hurling insults back and forth with the people you love the most.
By creating a positive family dynamic, YOU are strengthening yourself, your kids and fighting for social justice.
Kids that come from connected families - free of yelling, shaming and blaming, grow up to do big things.
These are the kids that become the HEALTHY leaders of tomorrow.
You are a trailblazer and you have received “the call” to make this world and country a more loving one.
You are not alone. I am not alone. WE will do this together.
WE are the change agents and we will continue to strengthen each other by raising our kids to become part of a peaceful solution.
I want to share a story with y’all about one of the parents I have been taking through Close the Parent Gap Program.
As those of you that have read my book know, I use the “Mafia” policy: I never spoke to you. I never saw you. Capisce?
We will call her Rebecca…obviously, not her real name.
Rebecca and I began working together about 8 weeks ago.
Rebecca’s basic bio:
mom of 3 (6, 4, 20 months)
works in the medical center caring for sick children and training medical students – extremely bright
married to a slightly introverted and great guy (btw, introverts make phenomenal husbands)
a “fact finder” by nature and well educated on child development as well as conscious parenting techniques (she had read several books and taken other parenting classes prior to working with me)
Based on Rebecca’s bio, you might be scratching your head as to why she needed lil’ old me?
Rebecca contacted me because she knew she wasn’t using the amazing parenting tools she had learned during heated situations with her kids…especially her oldest daughter.
Daily, if not more, her 6-year-old daughter, Anna had crazy making tantrums and behavior.
She was violent with her younger siblings in words and body.
She frequently told Rebecca, “Get away from me. I don’t want to be near you. Don’t touch me. You’re so mean. You hate me. I hate YOU –YOU’RE THE MEANEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD!”
The whole family seemed to walk on eggshells around Anna constantly trying not to set her off…to no avail.
Oddly, Anna was a perfect angel at school and out of the house. She managed to hold it together in public and came home to her safe haven to work out all her gremlins.
Rebecca lives a busy life, and with everything she has on her plate – full time job, mom, wife, daughter, sister, daughter in law, she honestly does a beautiful job managing it all.
However, as Anna’s behavior continued to worsen, understandably, Rebecca found herself yelling and extremely frustrated with her daughter.
And as the situation became more severe, suggesting a major disconnect between mother and daughter based on Anna’s refusal of any affection and harsh words, Rebecca found herself less able to balance the other aspects of her life and show up as her best self.
I remember hearing this phrase years ago, “Your family is only as happy as your unhappiest member.”
Rebecca had a dream for her life and her family.
It did not involve yelling, crying and daily angry words hurled at each other.
As Anna’s angry behavior took over the household, the other children became affected, Rebecca and her husband were having less fun together, there was lots more fighting and tension all around.
And of course this affected Rebecca and her husband’s work life because when there is a constant dark cloud of worry and guilt hanging over you, it’s hard to “reach for the stars”.
Your children and family are your most important priority and when there is tension and disconnection, it lingers in the background of your mind all day. Everyday.
Many people don’t realize this and think they can compartmentalize these hard feelings.
They are mistaken.
It is always there and just because you are managing it, does not mean that you are reaching your full potential… kickin- a and takin’ names!
Rebecca and I began working together almost 2 months ago and about 7 weeks into the program, she proudly gave me this update:
“I haven’t yelled in almost 2 weeks. We had the most delightful weekend as a family doing nothing particularly eventful but just hanging together. Anna invited me to play with her and wanted to spend time with me. We snuggled in bed. I gave her a foot massage and she relished it!! She even told me about an upcoming field trip at school that had her worried about what to expect – normally a prime reason for a colossal meltdown due to her anxiety over a new experience. We calmly talked about it and she had her own answers and merely needed to work it out with me acting as a sounding board.”
As Rebecca suspected, she would be put to the test soon enough and told me after the update,
“I know we will still have challenging moments and days but it feels so good to get to have days and weeks like these.”
And of course that test came when Rebecca’s mother was visiting.
Grandma had just commented that Anna’s behavior was entirely different and she noticed a big shift.
Rebecca’s husband loosely mentioned, “We finally found someone to help us that knows what she’s talking about”…(so sweet of her hubby to compliment me – especially since we have never met).
The next day was Halloween and Anna was having big feelings about it – manifesting as a World War 3 type tantrum…and of course Grandma was witness to the whole kit and caboodle.
Rebecca arrived home from work to the war-zone.
The spotlight seemed to be shining brightly on this conscious mama's motherhood as her own mother sat front row in the dramatic theatre of Rebecca’s life – enjoying her popcorn.
Talk about a triggering situation – the nuanced judgment from our parents about the way we parent can feel paralyzing and hinder our ability to show up consciously during heated moments.
Rebecca remained calm by breathing and focusing on Anna.
She problem solved and tried a few different techniques.
Finally, Anna responded to a foot rub with soothing essential oils and completely calmed down.
The family was able to make precious Halloween memories together.
It sure would have been a shame if Rebecca hadn’t been able to access the parenting tools she had taken the time to learn to manage her daughter’s temper tantrum.
This is what usually happens when you find yourself in the parenting gap – the gap between being able to remember how to be the parent you always intended to be and the parent you currently are during a triggered moment.
Thank God, Rebecca was effectively able to close the parent gap.
Because her kids will never be 6, 4 and 20 months again during Halloween 2016.
Every moment is valuable.
Rebecca now feels she is seizing every day and making all those ordinary moments into memory making ones.
Rebecca is now living an ordinary/ extraordinary life.
Little kids are exhausting. Period.
When your kids are little, your time is not your own.
It is common for them to even follow you into the bathroom or the bathtub…unarguably, a time typically known as “me” time for a mama.
We love them to pieces but come 8pm, we are BEEEYOND over the motherhood thing.
When they call out from their beds for just one more hug, we want to strangle our adorable little one rather than give in to the “just one more hug” request.
You have fed, bathed, schlepped to school, gymnastics, the park and played Barbies when all you really wanted to do was…ANYTHING else and this makes you feel a little guilty.
Because it is a luxury to be able to do all those things with your little one when so many other moms work at an outside J-O-B, missing theirs.
And the moms working outside the home, missing their kids, may also be enjoying elements of their their time away.
It’s hard to be with your kids all day AND it’s hard to be away from them.
There is nothing wrong with WANTING to have “me” time when you have kids.
There is a balance.
I teach that conscious parenting is about present engagement with our kids more often than not.
However, don’t misunderstand the concept and think it’s all about quantity over quality.
Becoming a parent is not supposed to equal becoming a martyr.
The balance is important.
If you feel BEEEYOND done with your kids by the end of the day, I think that’s pretty normal if you’ve been “doing” for them all day long with no time left for you.
AND I invite you to check in with yourself and look at the quality vs. quantity of your interactions.
Are you physically with your child all day but mentally checked out?
15 minutes a day of true presence between you and your child will build a more connected relationship than 15 hours of being together while texting with friends and checking out social media while your kids beg for another round of the hottest new Ipad game.
This is not to say I'm anti-technology.
But let's be honest - hanging out together for countless hours "no-cializing" with your faces buried in separate screens does not count as quality time.
It can take practice to learn how to have P.E.T. (Present Engaged Time) with your kids – big and small ones.
I discuss this tool in my book, The Parent Gap, out in print Aug. 2017.
YOU can be the parent you always swore to yourself you'd be.
YOU can create your connected fantasy family while also being a mom that has her own life.
Motherhood does not have to be martyrdom.
If you want to learn how to take action, the time is now to act.
The days may feel long but the years are short.
Your kids WILL get older and need you less.
Especially if you stop doing EVERYTHING for them now and teach them to step up to the plate.
Kids are super capable of pitching in.
Their confidence increases exponentially when they are taught to be valuable family members by contributing to the household needs and doing chores.
As a mom, when you put everyone before yourself, your energy will often feel depleted at the end of the day.
And you miss out on the delicious snuggly moments when they want just one more hug.
You have been over-giving and overdoing all day long and now your toast.
You want that hug about as much as a poke in the eye.
Even the request sounds piercing to your ears like fingernails on a chalkboard.
Personally, I would rather preserve my energy by teaching my kids to wake themselves up, make their own beds, help unload the groceries, set the table, help with the dishes and unpack THEIR own backpacks.
There are some lessons from the past worth preserving like teaching our kids to contribute to the family tasks rather than expecting to be waited on by US!
I have overheard some of the best intended and well meaning parents of teenagers, commiserating about their entitled and ungrateful kids.
Scratching their heads and wondering how on earth this happened?
Your kids will benefit greatly when you take your life back and learn conscious parenting tools so you can have a life too while treasuring those affectionate bedtime requests...even if they are stall tactics.
Who cares what the motivation is - take the hugs however you can get em!
I want to share a recent conversation with y’all between me and my 10-year-old son, Cory.
Cory: I got a piece of candy yesterday at school because I got an A on something.
Me: What kind of candy?
Cory: Smarties. I’ve decided that I’m not taking the candy anymore. Next time I’m gonna say, “No thx”.
Me: Oh really. Smarties ARE kinda like the grossest candy – I mean spring for a Reeses and now we're talkin, right?
Cory: Ya, it probably makes the people that don’t get candy feel bad and not smart because everyone knows who got the A’s and who didn’t. Plus it’s hard to enjoy the candy when it seems like you’re rubbing it in their face that you got the candy and they didn’t.
Me: Good point.
Cory: Plus, who needs the candy when you already got the A. It feels so good when the teacher gives you back that test where you know you worked hard and got the grade you earned.
Me: Ya, that’s why I teach parents that rewards like candy are not only unnecessary but actually end up doing the opposite of what most parents hope to accomplish. Parents want their kids to work hard and to be successful.
When you give rewards like candy or money, it trains kids to only want to push themselves if there is a reward waiting for them at the finish line and they stop focusing on the amazing feeling they get from working hard and feeling successful.
Cory: Ya, but money would be nice.
Me: Ha! True.
*Bottom line: External rewards sabotage intrinsic motivation.
Stop bribing and rewarding your kids to get them to succeed and achieve. There is a better way to motivate humans to strive for success.
It's really simple.
Listen and say VERY little.
Don’t correct or add on a lesson.
Ask your kids if they are happy with their grade.
If the answer's yes, say, “Awesome. Way to go and give it all you’ve got.”
Most of the time, they will come back with ways they could have actually worked harder.
Listen again and say VERY little.
That’s the thing with kids, when we stop pushing and pressuring, they become intrinsically motivated and tend to rise to the occasion.
How many times have we heard the story of the over the top parents living vicariously through their kids - pressuring them to achieve the parent's forgotten dreams?
Ya, that story never ends well.
Versus, the kid with the "raised by wolves" existence going on to accomplish amazing things without any parental encouragement or support.
For most of us, it's not that dramatic - in either direction.
We just want our kids to live a good life and not to have to struggle financially.
I doubt you’ll be disappointed when you allow your kids to be driven by intrinsic motivation by ditching the external rewards.
I KNOW your kids will be thrilled and relieved when you remove the pressure of your expectations weighing on their shoulders and they will begin to push themselves.
Let’s save a pressured existence for adulthood. Don’t ya think?
P.S. Calling all parents that are truly READY to replace yelling and tension with smiles and connection in your home...
We are going to make some magic in November. Apply now if you are ready to change patterns and take ACTION.
Recently, I came across an article: 10 Things Most Kids Don’t Know About Their Mothers.
Out of the 10 things, I especially connected with these two:
4.“She was always afraid.”
“From the moment you were conceived, she did all in her power to protect you. She became your mama bear…”
5. “She knows she’s not perfect.”
“She is her own worst critic. She knows all her flaws and sometimes hates herself for them. She is hardest on herself when it comes to you, though. She wanted to be the perfect mom, to do nothing wrong – but because she is human, she made mistakes…”
I believe that that these two concepts, fear and perfection, are actually related.
As moms, we become mama bears from the very start. When that little 3-year-old “tyrant” bites our sweet baby at preschool and then hurts his feelings in 2nd grade by commenting on his cute back hair peeking out of the top of his shirt, we want to march up to the school and give that little Napolean what’s comin’ to him…
And then we remember that he’s 3...or 7.
We might advise our kids to bite or insult back.
And when the bully continues to prey upon our lil cutie, we feel frustrated because we want to protect his body and feelings from harm.
As a result of this frustration, we might get really worked up, resulting in raising our voice or berating our sweet boy because we FEAR that he’s too sweet and doesn’t know how to properly stand up for himself.
Other boys might walk all over him - continuing to make fun and causing him to feel badly about himself.
So out of fear, we use our words to teach him to armor up.
But the problem is, we end up hurting his feelings way worse than any schoolyard bully.
He takes our words to heart and he translates our concern as not believing in him.
This causes him to not believe in himself.
As our fear grows, so does our anger which results in a louder voice and harsher words.
We scare our sweet boy with our loud voice and we cause him to feel shame that he is inviting poor treatment from his peers because he refuses to “go low” by insulting back or to use physical aggression.
Anger is rooted in fear.
Anytime, you find yourself yelling at your kids, if you trace back why you’re angry, you will eventually find something you are fearful of as a mama bear.
It might be that you are worried about her happiness and her future because she is putting on extra weight when the other little girls seem to be thinning out.
You have struggled with your own weight or watched your sister or best friend suffer and you want more for your precious girl.
You know the world is friendlier to thin females and you want her to feel welcomed with opened arms.
Or maybe you find yourself yelling because your daughter often ignores you and continuously speaks to you in a disrespectful tone.
You fear that she doesn’t respect authority and people in authoritative positions will judge and condemn her or YOU.
You want the world to love, enjoy and honor her.
Condemnation will feel like the opposite of that.
And being her mom is your most important assignment in life - other people’s negative judgment feels like evidence that you are screwing up your biggest job.
So you find yourself yelling to teach her to “respect authority” and this actually causes her to do the opposite – behaving in ways that will invite negativity into her life from peers, teachers and disconnecting from you, her mother.
We worry about our kids from the minute they begin growing in our bellies.
The worry quickly becomes fear and the fear becomes anger and the anger often manifests into yelling and/or harsh shaming words towards the people we fiercely love and want to protect.
Deep down, we know our behavior doesn’t match our intense love and that’s when number 5. from the motherhood article comes into play, “Mom knows she’s not perfect…she knows all her flaws and sometimes hates herself for them.”
I have heard yelling called the new spanking.
Most of us got the memo that spanking models aggression for our kids and it’s illogical to think hitting would be a civilized conflict resolution strategy to teach them.
Yelling is just as damaging for our children as smacking them.
Rather than their bottoms, it bruises their hearts and our harsh words become their inner speech as adults.
There is a better way. It takes work to learn it. You won’t get it right all the time.
And then I apologize and try again.
They forgive me. They often apologize too.
We respect each other. We love and protect each other fiercely.
Conscious parenting strategies feel good.
Leading your family as a conscious parent will effectively create deep and close knit family bonds.
I have never seen the old fear based model do that.
It's not enough to want to be a conscious parent. Learn how to Close the Parenting Gap (CPG) so you can show up as the cool parent you really want to be - rather than resorting to old patterns like yelling, threats and tactics that try to "fear" your kids into behaving.
And by cool, I don't mean this
My program, Close the Parenting Gap (CPG) is pretty different from other things out there. I am working to make it available to more folks. Therefore, I have a few different ways to work with me. I do require an application since my approach is extremely personal and hands on. Not everyone is right for the program and because I have such a deep desire to help as many families as possible, I will offer resources and possibly a referral if we are not a fit at this time.
I have several ways to support you:
1:1 VIP program, Close the Parenting Gap: an 8-week deep dive experience with Randi to retrain your brain. This is a great program for couples or individual parents. You will learn how to keep your cool during heated moments so your behavior reflects the love you feel in your heart for your people... with no guilt hangovers later for behaving in ways you swore you never would. This is how you retire those old patterns from yesteryear and create a new family legacy for your kids, grandkids and beyond. To be considered, please fill out an application here.
2- day intensive program: Close the Parenting Gap: in a small group format, we will cover the 8-week program to begin retraining your brain and creating new patterns to keep your cool during heated moments with your kiddos. We will have a big experience in a short amount of time...this is a perfect program for the instant gratification junkies like me! The hours will be 9-3pm. (Next offering, Nov. 9 & 10. Maximum 7 people and only 4 spots left! I am just starting to tell folks about it...meaning, don't procrastinate or you'll miss out.) To be considered, please fill out an application here. For more information on the program, click here.
1:1 VIP Day: Family Action Plan. If you could go back to the original dream you had when you first found out you were going to have a baby, how does it compare to your current reality? Is life more chaotic than you imagined? Do you find yourself resorting to old patterns you never intended to repeat? What if I told you that we can change that and realign you with your original fantasy in one day? We will spend an entire day together either virtually or in person designing a practical action plan specific to your needs and family. This program will include pre-work as well as a follow up support directly with Randi. To be considered, please fill out an application here.
Dear Parental Units (isn’t that an 80’s movie reference – God, I loved the 80’s),
Many of you have asked about the print version of my book, Am I Screwing Up My Kids? and I want to let you know there is some good and some not as good news…
The good news is that it is being published by a fancy NYC publisher and they will be stocking it at Barnes & Noble, airport bookstores and other book retailers.
The less good news is the process involves some red tape and is taking way longer than I initially anticipated. It will be out in print “sometime” in 2017.
I truly want to thank each and every one of you that has supported me in this project by reading, spreading the word on Facebook or even with a few words of encouragement.
Writing and “putting myself out there” has felt a lot like that recurring naked-school-dream. (Or maybe that wake-up-in-a-cold-sweat-nightmare is unique to me?)
The whole process has been an exercise in vulnerability for sure.
I have experienced some negativity and the fears that typically keep us from sharing “nakedly” have come true in certain respects.
AND…guess what, I’m alive to report that all of YOUR positive energy has helped me to counter any fears that have been validated by“haters” and those that aren’t in my 1/3 tribe.
I will keep writing and putting my truth out there because I see it helping families and that's my underlying reason and "why" I do it.
There will be more books, articles, speaking and teaching in my future and I’m really excited about sharing my messages and helping more families.
Speaking of my messages, I want to talk about the name of my book, Am I Screwing Up My Kids?: Tools to stay calm, cool, connected and change patterns.
Whenever I say the name, “Am I Screwing Up My Kids?”, I usually get a few chuckles.
This never offends me because I chose the name for a very specific reason.
I wanted to start “the conversation” by exposing the giant pink elephant in the tutu hiding in the corner of our households.
Even though, we aren't necessarily going around town, shouting from the rooftops on Facebook, about secretly worrying that we might be screwing up our greatest assignment in life, raising our people…LOTS of us have this troubling thought deep down.
It stems from the repetition of damaging patterns that we never meant to repeat because they felt crappy to us when we were kids.
Usually the old patterns involve parenting with fear, threats, bribes, yelling and possibly checking out by numbing ourselves to feel better with food, alcohol, prescription drugs, shopping, scrolling through social media, shopping, gossiping…and the list literally goes on and on.
Notice I said shopping twice...uhhhh, guilty as charged!
The real antidote to changing old patterns and feeling better is about being truly engaged and feeling connected in your most important relationships.
We all share a deep love for our kids.
We are literally hard wired as humans for meaningful connections.
The focus of my work and my signature program, “Closing The Conscious Parenting Gap: Tools to change damaging patterns and keep your cool during heated moments with your kids”, is about retraining your brain and releasing old destructive patterns that sabotage positive family connections.
I have systems that involve REALLY taking action to change patterns so you can stop yelling, numbing or whatever you do that leaves you secretly worrying about screwing up your kids.
Couples are joining the same team and marriages are healing.
Their children are enjoying way more giggles than tears these days.
Parents are realizing that it takes work to be a cohesive home team – where every player is incredibly valuable and the parents set the tone to have a great “season”.
How’s your current season going? Here’s how you can work with me:
1. Email me and I will send you an application to be considered for my 1:1 VIP program or to be added to the current waitlist
2. Email me if you are interested in learning about my 2 day workshops starting as early as November (limit: 10 participants)
3. Read my book: