In this episode, I discuss time-out; the punishment that many of us have used to replace spanking. We are often misguided to believe that it’s this progressive humane improvement when it’s potentially just as damaging emotionally as spanking is physically.
I know many parents are simply looking for resources to teach their kids the difference between right and wrong. The punishment model has rarely been questioned in years past and yet, all the researchers and experts tell us that it’s ineffective. It accomplishes the opposite of what we want - stronger connections with our kids and effective measures for teaching appropriate behavior. Punishments like time out and spanking are divisive, polarizing and teach our kids not to trust us.
One of my favorite new quotes that I coined recently is, “We don’t own our kids. Owning people is called slavery...not childhood.” Slavery is illegal. Our kids are little people.
Our job is to teach, guide and keep our little people safe. Punishment does not teach anything other than teaching our kids to lie to us and become sneaky when doing things that will result in a punishment. When we punish our kids rather than having productive communication, we teach them not to trust us.
The research and child development experts report that kids under the age of 12 do not change their future behavior based on punishment. They are actually incapable of doing so.
The REAL way we teach kids appropriate behavior is by establishing rules, repeating them often and following through consistently. When the rules are broken, we teach them how to become calm and calmly discuss the situation. When everyone is calm, we empathize and find out what’s underneath the misbehavior. Then we state the rules, set a boundary and possibly enforce a logical and related consequence. We follow through consistently.
This is the recipe that leads to changing the convos in your home even when your kids are behaving like total turkeys. Your welcome.
- Why time out needs a time-out article in Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201606/why-time-outs-need-time-out
- Wikipedia definition of time-out: Time-out (also known as social exclusion) is a form of behavioral modification that involves temporarily separating a person from an environment where unacceptable behavior has occurred.
- Punishment defined:the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.
- Dr. Ross Greene http://drrossgreene.com/
- The Calm Down Corner: A time-out alternative
ABOUT RANDI RUBENSTEIN
Randi helps parents, particularly ones with a strong willed kiddo, learn tools to raise confident, kind, and self motivated kids by improving the conversations in your family.
As the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast and author of The Parent Gap, Randi helps parents keep cool and replace old patterns. Randi’s parenting motto is, “When our thoughts grow, the convos in our home flow".
To learn more go to www.randirubenstein.com.