It's REALLY not about you...

 
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I looked at my 16-year old daughter, Avery’s face, as she was finishing her quick breakfast before school – a frozen blueberry waffle with peanut butter and a cup of milk.

We had just had a sweet moment reminiscing about her 2-year old self and her love for milk...then and now. 

I told her about a mom's night out where I attended an event and a nutritionist was the guest speaker. I remembered asking the nutrition guru if it was ok if my 2-year old daughter was more interested in consuming milk than actual food.

During our breakfast convo, I remembered my younger self along with picturing Avery as a teeny tiny little person.

Back then I was on a hunt for information. Was I doing it right? Was I providing adequate nutrition for my little girl? She was only in the 5th % on the growth charts. I was worried that I might be doing something wrong and she could be stunted because of my choices as a mother.

What if she was small because I wasn’t feeding her the correct way?

If I get really honest… back then, as I hunted for resources, I’m not sure if my intentions were 100% focused on the wellbeing of my kids or if I was looking for validation that I was making good choices as a mom.

Parenting is raw and real and vulnerable. We want it to come naturally. We want to get it right. We don’t want to mess things up.

And how often, do we unconsciously make things about us without realizing it? That validation that we’re not doing it wrong?

I looked at my daughter’s face this morning as she savored her last sip of milk, and noticed she looked a bit sullen. So I asked her if everything was okay?

She responded, “I’m just not excited about school today. It’s boring. I don’t feel like going.”

I asked her if she could apply the 3 B’s (a coaching tool I have taught many of you) or if there was anything she was looking forward to and could use to game-i-fy her day.

She quickly interrupted me, “No. There is absolutely nothing I want to do today. There is nothing to be excited about. Stop.”

My response, “Okay. Got it.”

14 years later, my older self knows that her life is really not about me. She is figuring it out. She wasn’t interested in my coaching tools and suggestions this morning…just like her body wasn’t really interested in the food I was offering when she was 2.

She has grown into a “normal sized” young woman. Her body is healthy and strong. She feeds herself beautifully.

She is a teenager. She doesn’t feel like going to school some mornings.

She pulls up her bootstraps and she goes anyway. Her mood has nothing to do with me.

I can choose NOT to take her behavior personally.

Making it about me would have looked something like, “I’m your mother and I will not be spoken to in that rude and disrespectful tone. I was just trying to be helpful. You ungrateful little @#$%!”

You get the gist.

That would have exacerbated her bad mood for the day. I would have added to the problem.

It’s hard enough being a kid these days.

As her mom, I don’t want to make it even harder by taking her bad mood personally and making it about me.

Her small size at 2 had nothing to do with the way I was feeding her.

She simply loved milk.

She still does.

Too bad she’s lactose intolerant.

New this week: I am having so much fun with my CPG Basics group. I am on a mission to help more of you go from simply consuming information to actually taking action and implementing the learning into your life. The following exercise is my gift to you. Feel free to reply to this email and share yours with me if it will help you take action and really do it. This is how you truly go from consumption of information to real legit action so you can improve your life!

Exercise:

Journaling/Brain Dump Prompt: Can you think of a time when you made your kid’s bad mood about you and accidentally took it personally? If you could go back in time how would you have handled it differently? See it through his eyes and write down what his point of view might have been?

 

 
 
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ABOUT RANDI RUBENSTEIN

Randi helps parents, particularly ones with a strong willed kiddo, learn tools to raise confident, kind, and self motivated kids by improving the conversations in your family.

As the founder of  Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast and author ofThe Parent Gap, Randi helps parents keep cool and replace old patterns. Randi’s parenting motto is, “When our thoughts grow, the convos in our home flow".

To learn more go to www.randirubenstein.com.

 

The 3 Best Things a Mama Can Do for Your Kids to Have a Successful School Year

The new school year is upon us and I know many of us struggle with the morning chaos.

We love our people BIG and as moms, we want everything for them.

We want them to do well in school academically and to feel successful.

We want them to be happy socially and to feel included and confident.

We want to do everything we can to support them in achieving these goals.

We believe that when they feel successful and confident, they will be happy humans.

Unfortunately, sometimes we focus our energy on areas we have no control over and can accidentally become part of the problem rather than contributing to the solution.

Here are my tips for how you can truly support your kids to have a successful and happy school year:

1. Sleep - kids in preschool and elementary need to be asleep by 8:30 PM and to wake up no earlier than 10 hours later. In this day and age with tech and all the artificial stimulation available, kids require sleep training and structure from the get go.

2. Breakfast - It doesn't need to be a big ordeal on weekdays. A simple smoothie packs a punch. Sometimes I do a whole wheat waffle with peanut butter with a few blueberries or banana on top.

I am by no means a health coach or food expert. My kids love sugar and crap.

I like for them to get the best start possible before school. I want their brains in primo learning mode.

3. Leadership - Showing up as their fearless positive leader and the family team captain, I set the tone for the day.

As their mom, I can do 3 simple things to support their brains and bodies for the best day possible:

1. Bedtime - a well rested brain learns at optimal capacity

2. Breakfast - a well fed brain learns at optimal capacity

3. Leadership language for a stress-free morning - a brain that has feel good hormones rather than stress hormones flowing (yelling, nagging, lecturing cause rising cortisol) learns at optimal capacity

Influencing their day in the ways where you actually have the power and ability will empower your kiddos to handle the curve balls that life will inevitably throw their way (like a mean teacher or being left out on the playground).

 

Where your focus goes, energy flows and from here your results GROW.

 

Focus on the 3 things you can do to send your kids out into the world ready to be their best selves!

1. Sleep

2. Food

3. Positive Leadership - words of encouragement and support rather than nagging, yelling or a chaotic morning will be the emotional armor that protects them

 

    What is one small baby step YOU can do TODAY to bring calm to the chaotic weekday mornings in YOUR household?

     

    You’ve got this.

    Do you want to ensure the best school year ever?

    Do you want to surround yourself with more supportive resources to truly take action and improve your life and family ASAP?

    Join me and a likeminded parent community in the course, Close the Parent Gap (CPG) Basics. The fun begins soon. You want to improve your family and your life yesterday. Don't miss the window to be a part of this. The results are going to be BIG. Sign up here.

     

    Below are some pics of a super quick breakfast this morning in the Rubenstein household:

    • Red Velvet smoothies...I eyeball the amounts of these ingredients so don't ask for exact recipe. It takes maybe 2 minutes to make and I don't nag them if they only take 2 sips.
    Red Velvet Smoothies

    Red Velvet Smoothies

    Red Velvet Smoothie Ingredients

    Red Velvet Smoothie Ingredients

    To learn more about my 6 week parenting course that will ensure the success you deeply desire for your people, read about it here and reach out to me if you would like to hop on a call to discuss if it's right for you. randi@randirubenstein.com.

    The Future is Still Bright

    “…if we want to be free, we have to let every body be free.  I hate and resent this so much.  It means we have to let the people in our families and galaxies be free to be asshats, if that is how they choose to live.  This however, does not mean we have to have lunch with them.  Or go on vacation with them again.  But we do have to let them be free.”  ~Anne Lamott
     
    I was just sent this quote by a colleague and, it feels relevant in the aftermath of the election so I’m sharing it with y’all. 
     
    My intention today is about how the hell we explain this political sh!t show to our kids?
     
    Let me clarify – how do we discuss the fact that “THE DONALD” is THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?!?
     
    And how do we talk about this mind blowing result with our kids minus the whiny or blamey voice taking center stage.
     
    I love the quote, “What you focus on…grows”.
     
    If our inner whiner or blamer comes online in the midst of this conversation, we are inviting more whiners and blamers into our day.
     
    Logically resulting in the outcomes that whiners and blamers typically get.
     
    Those results involve  frustration, negativity, surrounding yourself with victim energy and ultimately, an exhausting existence.
     
    F&%k that noise!  I’m here to have way more fun than that in this precious life.
     
    I like Anne Lamott’s quote above because it’s really about defining personal boundaries and respecting other people’s differing opinions.
     
    Choosing to stay in our own lane and surrounding ourselves with positive people and experiences strengthens us.
     
    Because right now, many of us need strength to stay positive and hopeful to keep fighting for the future we want for ourselves, our kids and our country.
     
    Many people in this country have spoken and they have a differing opinion from mine and possibly yours. 
     
    These people, we will call them STRUMPS, secret Trump Voters (sibling privilege to use my brother’s material b/c he came up with STRUMPS…genius). 
     
    Many of us feel blind sighted and now amidst our disappointment, heartbreak and anxiety about our future, we remember we are parents and have to find the right words to explain this outcome to our kids.
     
    The same kids we have been teaching about equality and fairness and that bullies never prevail.
     
    This is the convo I had with my kiddos in case you are looking for some inspiration: 
     
    We have our work cut out for us as change agents who are meant to spread kindness and equality.  This is the reality right now in our country…”whitelash”  is apparently very real.  However, 10 years ago no one would have thought gay marriage would pass.  What we focus on grows…we will handle this defeat with grace and integrity while keeping our heads down to fight for social justice and being a part of a different solution.”
     
    This is how we strengthen ourselves, our platform and our 1/3 tribe.
     
    We keep our heads down and get busy strengthening our tribe by focusing on the country we are ready to inhabit while also realizing that we are the trailblazers and have our work cut out for us.
     
    Many other folks in our country are just not “there” yet as the election revealed.
     
    We have more work ahead than we may have realized.
     
    And like the gay marriage deniers have learned…social justice is real and people like US don’t sit back whining and blaming for long.
     
    Because once we dust ourselves off, we will come back stronger than ever and prevail over the STRUMPS.
     
    And in the words of my 15-year old daughter, “Mom, Americans didn’t fail us.  Hillary won the popular vote by 200,000.”
     
    As parents, we continue to talk about white privilege and “whitelash” and showing up in our lives spreading kindness and a belief in humanity. 
     
    This begins in our homes by strengthening our families from a place of kindness, love and connection.
     
    We are raising the next generation.
     
    Step into your power daily by being the loving and supportive parent you always swore you would be.

    I'm guessing that vision didn't involve losing your temper and hurling insults back and forth with the people you love the most.
     
    By creating a positive family dynamic, YOU are strengthening yourself, your kids and fighting for social justice.

    Kids that come from connected families - free of yelling, shaming and blaming, grow up to do big things.

    These are the kids that become the HEALTHY leaders of tomorrow.
     
    You are a trailblazer and you have received “the call” to make this world and country a more loving one. 
     
    You are not alone.  I am not alone.  WE will do this together.
     
    WE are the change agents and we will continue to strengthen each other by raising our kids to become part of a peaceful solution.